I sound full of excitement and hope, from that title, don’t I?
Well, it was difficult today.
My insanity prevailed more than my logic. My logic dictates that it is a 10 second injection for 14 days of greatness. What does my insanity think? Needle. Needle! NEEDLE! Painful painful prick of a needle!
I sat with the pen posed on my skin for what felt like an eternity. I took it off. Gave myself a pep talk – Seriously? You can’t it it NOW? What is wrong with you? You’ll flare up without it. You’ll have horribly painful days if you don’t. Its just a teeny tiny needle. Put the pen back on my skin. This happened, oh, 8 or 9 times, before I gave up and had a little sob. Called out for my brother to come help me. Dumb idea! He really hates needles. He told me I can do it, he can’t. He shouldn’t need to help me. He’s right. Its MY medication, I CAN do it. Done it bi weekly since December, I can TOTALLY do it.
Its not the pain of the injection. Its the needle; I have to check the pen out before injection, which means checking the expiry, the fluid in the pen and the needle. I look that bastard in the eye before applying it to my alcohol swiped thigh. Dumb!
It is fear that stops me. I can’t explain it properly, but its a fear of something, of some kind, that propels my hand to put the pen down and WOOOSAHH. And it never used to be like that. If I can’t get over this every two weeks, how will I be every week, when they change my meds? Silly.
Today is the final day of my Humira cycle. And it is a good day. Its sunny! I feel rather much alright. I feel like fighting today. But. There is a niggly feeling in the back of my mind. That same voice that wants me to say ‘fuck it, just do it’ wants me to just give up. It wants it to be Thursday morning today. WHY?! I feel okay! I’m not desperate for my medication like before! I can totally do my shift at work today without problem! Why does she decide now is sensible time to pipe up […]
It is almost the end of March. I’ve been Crohns symptom free for almost all of March. Besides my blip at work two Saturdays ago, not much has upset my digestive system and even the cloud of Depression has been light and breezy of late. But tonight, out of nowhere, symptoms. Started with that gurgling stomach. Usually in the mornings, but I ignored it this morning. I didn’t have much breakfast – no change there – and had a very late lunch. Snacked before the big Sunday roast. Ate a butt load of lovely yummy roast potatoes, beef, veg and […]
I know that is it unrealistic to have expectations when it comes to my Crohns, but I can’t help it sometimes. When things were bad, I just wanted to be better. I wanted my new medication to work and I wanted to get back to my normal life. And in a way, I am back, and I am as normal as I’ll ever be again. But starting Humira back in December was a scary affair. I was very aware that I could not spend the rest of my days on steroids – and I really didn’t want to have to […]
Now, I am not a completely stupid girl, I know that the medication I am on helps me; helps relieve the crohns symptoms, and let’s me go out in to the world and kick ass every day. I know from personal experience that everything else has failed – in one way or another – and this is my option at the moment. And what is a couple hundred £££ worth of injection if not brilliant for giving me back my life? So what, I have to actually stick a needle in my thigh bi- weekly? So what, if it takes two […]
So, today is the final day of the current Humira cycle. Yes, it ist just gone midnight on a Wednesday, but I for some reason am wide awake. This cycle has felt completely different. I’ve had so many days of feeling so damn good, it is slightly scary. I’m used to my body starting to flag on Day 9 and start seriously running on fumes by Day 12. This time around? Nothing like that. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been very open and honest about the fact that I have very bad days and very good days – […]
Being told you have an incurable condition is pretty mind boggling at the best of times. There is so much that runs through you head: what if it never hits remission, what if the meds don’t work, what if I need endless surgeries, how much pain will I have to put up with, when will it stop? It takes an indefinite amount of time to get comfortable with this, with your new found skin. I didn’t handle it pretty well. I suffered through a range of emotions: starting with constant crying, to welling up every time I thought about my […]
Tomorrow is my Humira injection. All of this week has been building towards this date. Yet again. The further I get ‘into’ this ‘disease’, the more time I spend on this medication, the better I become at listening to my body; the more I know how much things follow a pattern. Today was particularly hard. It is Day 13 of the cycle, possibly the worst day of all my ‘bad days’ on adalimumab. I can usually go without any pain for 9 days on my injections. As soon as we hit the fatal ‘second Saturday’ I feel the energy begin to fade […]
So, twelve days ago – January 19th to be precise – I gave myself my second home injection of Humira. The first one since finding out I was in a sort of ‘remission’. I air quote this because the term and understanding of ‘remission’ is subjective and very unclear. It’s variety makes it difficult to form consensus, but I digress. Every day since then I have woken without any pain, without a fever, without much tiredness and without the fear of a set back. Today, no such luck. Belly pain. Frequent visits to the bathroom. Unable to find anything appealing […]
This is what I ended up screaming at my tum last night in front of the tv, with the whole of my family watching me. It was the culmination of a whole day of shitty Crohn’s symptoms. In fact, after this sentence came out of my mouth, I began wondering how bad things were going to get. I had awoke yesterday morning later than usual – normally, despite not working yet, I am like clockwork at waking up, regardless of the day – with really bad abdominal pain. Visit the bathroom. Slight improvement. Fix breakfast, take last of my Prednisolone tablets […]
Today has been a rough day. Nothing major has happened, just lots of small things that have accumulated into something.. bigger. Had trouble taking my medication today – only my iron tablet – couldn’t swallow it and almost choked. Am home alone now until I go back to work and it was scary. My glasses are irritating my nose still, so back to my old pair. Found lots of hair in my brush today, and as pathetic as it sounds this part of my day made feel the worse, had a little weep. The physical parts of my disease have […]
So, my last lot of drugs really didn’t work. The steroids I was taking with my Pentasa didn’t exactly have a good time together, the last couple days. In fact, everything went down hill in a matter of 36 hrs – just the time before my first out patient clinic appointment. One look at me, a description of my symptoms, my new weight loss and terrible lack of life in me; lead the consultant to re admit me almost immediately. Hours later, back in the same bed on the same ward as 10 days previously. Now, the plan is being […]