Pause

Things have been pretty good lately. So good in fact, that its difficult to cast my mind back to a time when I was unwell and feel pretty rubbish. The infliximab has really been keeping my Crohn’s under control and I’ve hardly had any reoccurrence of my liver / hernia problems in the past couple weeks. In fact, since I accepted my new job, told my current employer I was leaving next month and I started driving, I’ve been a whirlwind of energy and positivity.

That abruptly ended this morning. Having hardly slept all night – even when I did manage to drift off, it was fitful and for stolen moments – I awoke in agony. I was disappointed. I had gone so long without any pain, why was it back? Had I done too much, too soon? Was this my reward for so much good fortune of late? Was this my body telling me to stop and slow down?

 

Yes, to all of the above.

It is probably the most difficult part of having a long-term condition, that you need to remember to PAUSE. To take time for yourself, even when all you want to do is go out and conquer the (metaphorical) world. It forces you, at times, to look after yourself even when you don’t feel so unwell. It is good to take the necessary time in the week or the day to unwind and relax; let go of all the stress and just be. I am finding this hard these days because the Infliximab has made me so well again, not only does everyone else expect me to be well, I do too. I expect my body to keep fighting, because I want to keep on fighting. But sometimes, when we, you, I, feel like this; we forget about those little tell-tale signs that pre warn us to slow down, before we are absolutely wiped out. Yesterday, I ate a salad, did a 6 hour shift and then had a 2 hr driving lesson. Now, to most people those things would not be connected nor would they mean anything bad, but for me, I have the unfortunate luck of working too hard, trying to be good at driving too soon and eating bad food. NO WONDER I FEEL LIKE UTTER CRAP TODAY!

So, I cancelled my plans today and I am trying so hard to be happy, optimistic, positive. I am, I really am but its hard. Because I hate changing my plans. I hate being the person who “always has an excuse to get out of things” of being “unwell at the drop of a hat” but that is who I am because I have Crohn’s Disease. I can not control it as much as I want and wish I could, but I do the best with what I have. When I feel good and well, I go out and achieve. I work hard and I do my bloody best. Because those are the memories and moments that keep me going when I am unwell.

They should be keeping me going right now.

I’m just.. lost in the fog of my mind. I hope it clears soon.

2014-04-23 12.25.03

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